They could steal all they wanted. At least partially. “I do trust you and Wen Ning, I just—” He cuts himself off, unable to explain. Zhiqiang even returns to the past, accompanied by four slow-motion shots of the two main leads kissing at slightly different angles, and two minutes later his phone alerts him to the fact that Nie Huaisang has Venmoed him ten dollars. WHAT HBJBSKHABSKFKHBA SINCE WHEN WHAT DID I MISS I WAS GONE FROM TWITTER FOR TWO WEEKS. List ‘em. I’m not a catfish or someone pretending to be Lan Wangji because I am Lan Wangji. To love studying, pick an environment that suits your style of learning, like a school library if you prefer it quiet, or a cafe if you like some background noise. God, he needs to get a better voice for his conscience than his brother. “I see.”. “Ah,” his catfish says instead. DONT U MM ME IK WHAT UR DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No explosions found. He’s ascended reality just by the sheer act of saying neutral things about Wei Wuxian. “Big brain plays only.” When Jiang Cheng’s face darkens, a jolt of instinctive fear jumps down his spine and he forces a laugh, patting his brother on the shoulder. The typing bubble is going to give Wei Wuxian a stroke. Ah, cut it off, so messy, so messy. “Fine. Catfish is a term that became popular in online dating after a 2010 documentary of that name was released in theaters. I should’ve known better than to think that you were the type of person who would laugh at other people.”, Didn’t… what? Jiang Cheng slides it towards him. “Making all these fucking jokes about what a disaster you are, haha, very fucking funny. “No,” he declares, sounding a little too gleeful. And that is a lot of money. Ease you into it.”. Jiang Cheng, of course, just rolls his eyes. Against his skin, Lan Wangji’s pulse is fluttering hummingbird-quick. It’s like someone asked, “Hey, out of curiosity, what do you think the guy of your dreams would look like if he was a lifeless mannequin and you wanted to admire him from afar for the rest of your miserable days?” and plucked the image out of his head and into his phone. You are not a rat and you have more than two brain cells. Then it registers like a kick to the throat. The hour before his thermodynamics exam is spent last minute cramming. Which launches him into a Wikipedia deep dive: The Untamed > Xianxia > Buddhism > Hellenistic period > New Comedy > Meet the Parents > Robert De Niro > Taxi Driver > Peptic Ulcer Disease > Amoxicillin > WHO Model List of Essential Medicines > Diazepam > Hoffmann-La Roche > Genentech > Dwarfism > Game of Thrones > Primetime Emmy Award > Lan Wangji. Your own fault and none of my business. In response, she just looks at him in that way that makes him feel seen all the way down to the soul, to the worst and unsavory parts of him. If Wei Wuxian were inclined to study the details, he would note this is probably due to the actor sitting in a chair with his makeup artist’s hand blending foundation barely within frame. He was nearly twenty shots in and curled up around the toilet after the fifth break-up of the month. Lan Zhan’s gentle voice doesn’t help matters either, and that, combined with the discovery of his name, is what makes Wei Wuxian finally say, “Alright. Before he can interrupt, though, Lan Wangji goes on, “I… All the conversations, the cake, the rabbits. This is a good moment and he will not cry, he will not cry. “What do you want to say sorry for?” Wen Qing stares at him, face immovable as stone. “All things in moderation,” the baby freshman agrees before hurling into the shrubbery again. The whole plan was to get drunk enough to spew out all of his thoughts about Lan Zhan, but now that he’s actually in the situation, it’s harder than he thinks. If they’re ugly, they’re ugly, and they should remember to embrace it with grace like Jiang Cheng and his unfortunate nose. He has no idea. the little baby one with the dot between his nose can be tissue, the one thats always lazing around in the pictures can be tofu. He glances at the clock. The term "catfish" refers to someone who sets up a false online identity to catch the attention of other users. But he runs out of words and sinks straight into concepts, until, like a Wikipedia deep dive, he emerges to repeat the process with the man’s eyes. He loves it. “And A-Yuan loves you, so he’ll play with you whenever. Damn I don't know and that's when my sister was like catfish catfish and then one time she really embarrassed me and I feel like that was kinda like the last draw. He’ll take what he can get. It still doesn’t excuse the fact that I burdened you guys by giving you unnecessary shit. Just the real person, as it turns out. His eyes have gone to shit after hours of blank staring at textbooks, as it turns out. You are on thin ice. On a basic level he already knew that he was in love with the catfish. “A-Xian, I’m sure you’ll find something that meets… all your incredibly specific criteria. "How to Fall in Love (Part 1)" is a song by the Bee Gees. That he’s in love with. She sighs and turns back. Filling the prompt “i was wondering if you could write a fanfic about van not giving a shit about those silly stereotypes and liking a girl despite her not being quite your typical long-haired goddess in a club, probably she’d have some self-steem issues too” i.e. my brother already comes at my throat for it u dont need to either. Jiang Cheng has already shaken out the last of the cheddar into the glass, with the empty carcass of the chocolate milk box and White Claw can discarded at its feet. “Will you?” Wei Wuxian asks, almost a whisper. It doesn’t take long for him to turn it into a game: one sip for a catfish, two sips for a dick pic, a three second chug for a vagina pic since those are rarer than Jiang Cheng’s smile. I would suggest doing it now, but the fun is in being there and mixing the drinks and watching the reactions, you know? “I’ll wish for my dear brother to find someone who can tolerate him romantically, or for him to get a better nose. Jiang Cheng looks—well, for once, he might look worse than Wei Wuxian, which is saying something. I’m sorry I took the tone setting away from you, Lan Zhan.”, “I would enjoy talking to you for the rest of the year. He thinks the concoction may be cementing in his mouth. Is he welcome? Awful. When the twin Jiangs tell him that they played Mario Kart with him and snuck him some rice wine at dinner during the last gathering, Wei Wuxian’s mind goes blank. Report. “Behave,” she tells them, making ominous slicing motions, before she disappears to flirt with her Maybe-Mianmian bartender again. Do you mean your—”, “Catfish?” Jiang Cheng shrieks. Then another buzz, and one more before it falls silent. Well. Wei Wuxian doesn’t know how long he’s holed up in his room, but he makes sure to lock the door this time, window closed, curtains drawn, and even with all the lights off he wouldn’t be able to see a thing through swollen eyes. Question seventeen.”, “Oh. “Can I have all your valuable worldly possessions when you kick the bucket?”. Someone funny and kind. Fuck, this sucks. Wei Wuxian’s traitorous gaze wanders back to the TV. Hearing that same stilted, furious quiet from Lan Zhan. The texts don’t stop coming, though. “I’ll give you all my past quizzes.”. “You accept the money I’ve been saving since junior year.”. And Wei Wuxian checks. Never mind that we’re fucking family.”, A jolt runs down Wei Wuxian’s spine. I don’t understand what I should warn you about, so I cannot. Doesn’t mean he’s going to stop, however. But there are things that just don’t add up, and Hermione needs some help and so she enlists Nev and Max to assist. While A-Yuan tests the limits of Wen Ning’s stamina, Wei Wuxian tells Granny Wen about the students on his floor, those who speak multiple languages with apparent ease and those who spend equal time translating and working on their assignments, how he tries to help them but feels disconnected from the international students, both similar and completely different from him, who grew up with a foot in either culture. “It’s fine!” he says, reaching up to smoosh Lan Wangji’s cheeks in his hands. “Go die already!” he shouts, completely at odds with the vibrant embarrassed red of his face. The irony in Lan Zhan not trusting him after Wei Wuxian apparently trusted no one else. “Thanks,” Wei Wuxian beams, and reaches over to ruffle A-Qing’s hair despite her hissing, then stretches to tussle Xue Yang’s while he’s at it, ignoring his louder and far more realistic hissing. So he sits in the lobby and witnesses in real time across several social media platforms what all his acquaintances are getting up to. Not a song. Oh, fuck. “I’m not in… arrangements with anyone, no—um. This time there’s no pause. No wonder even Nie Huaisang leaped at the opportunity to hassle him. “It’ll be fine,” Wei Wuxian says, but the furrow in Shijie’s eyebrows doesn’t disappear and then he abruptly remembers that the last time he said everything would be fine, he ended up in the hospital marveling over the fact that no, everything was not fine, and yes, he really did get stabbed on the second day of sophomore year. So seductive. Anger seeps out of him, leaving only exhaustion in its wake. “You are so lucky your parents are dead,” Jiang Cheng mutters, after he catches Wei Wuxian weaseling his way out of a trap involving the question when are you going to get married, it’s already that time for you, Wei Wuxian and you are still wearing your hair so long? “But I remember her saying that the person she loves has to love her so much that they understand her better than she understands herself. “Cousin,” Mo Xuanyu agrees, before picking up his bottle and stumbling into the milling Jins and Jiangs again, vanishing from sight. “I-I hope that, even if I’m not a student here anymore, you’ll all still reach out to me if you need bad advice—like horrible, I’m talking life-ruining advice, or. “Um, yes? They research the people involved and introduce them in person. It’s really hard to live your life wearing your heart on your sleeve. I’m sick,” is all Lan Wangji says. “Did I miss the competition?”, Wei Wuxian blinks, more than a little startled than he even showed up. “You’re a mess.”. It’s formally addressed to Granny Wen, the top crease neatly cut by a letter opener. Wei Wuxian stops arguing with Jiang Cheng long enough to look at him. Looking at each other, moving together without speaking, being affectionate. clearly it doesnt matter all that much anyway, About my brother, my rabbits, the four thousand rules, My struggle to communicate with others and form relationships. Fuuuuck.”. The second conversation brings a return to normalcy, that being mild biphobia and intense fratboy vibes. Wei Wuxian’s probably still into girls. I’m not as bad as you. That’s her husband’s name, by the way, dunno if I ever told you. Wei Wuxian just gazes at her with his best puppy eyes, and he knows they’re good, he’s practiced in the mirror for far too many hours. Even then it’s not the catfish thing that’s the problem. His face goes curiously blank before he sets the bag down on the approximate lump of Wei Wuxian’s desk. Instead of just walking in and asking what his wild arm gestures are referring to, Wei Wuxian plays along. She never intended to actually find someone on there, but she realised quickly that was what she truly wanted. Understandably, Nie Huaisang’s expression is fifty shades of disgusted. “My brother?”, “Yeah, uh,” Wei Wuxian says. It’s a low-definition picture of Kermit the Frog given CPR with heart-emojis littering the background. Then he realizes that he has no idea where to find Jiang Cheng anymore. Jiang Cheng’s glare pins him in place as he shuts off the engine and snatches his phone from the dash. When he clicks on Lan Zhan’s profile, it’s bare. Swallowing, he traces the lines on Lan Wangji’s fingers and the calluses at the ends before finally grasping his hand. Lugging the communal vacuum up from the lobby draws some attention from his kids. “Fuuuuuuck,” Wei Wuxian groans into his pillow. “Hey,” Wei Wuxian says, “if Xuanwu exists, then there’s hope for me yet.”, “Maybe if you would cut your fucking hair and sleep once in a while,” says Jiang Cheng, as always seizing any opportunity to lecture him, “it could help your face.“, “Nothing, which can’t really be said for your nose. Great talk.”. I know nothing about him.”, Shijie’s eyes narrow. “Uh, hi. Not just the person. Without another word, she leaves. He stares at her, wretched and awful. Then she pauses, gives him the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture, and a grabbing motion. His wrangler Wen Qing isn’t even here to stop him, so of course he keeps going. It is embarrassing, but you must be respectful to your elders. Summary: A new plan hatches in Wei Wuxian’s head. “You were busy. It’s happened before. Is he still alive? do ut htink that if i sleep withmy texbokos that ill absorb the material somehow, what r u doing pls tell me its better than what im doign. I just wanted to call and—also, I promise that I got your number through legal means even though I have no idea how your brother got my number.”, “Oh,” says Lan Wangji. Um. In summary: Lan Wangji says his ‘friend’ in the same way most people say ‘husband.’ Try to top that, Kimye. That was like gonna be my first year as an alumni. Which brings him to cons of visiting the Jin household: Jin Zixuan, who, aside from being a pompous, pretentious peacock, is a constant reminder that Wei Wuxian is 1) dirt poor, 2) without money, 3) of low income, and 4) lonely. “Breathe in.”, “I’m fine, I’m good,” Wei Wuxian says with a wave, nearly spiking Mo Xuanyu in the face with the cactus. And they’d have to love Xuanwu, too. They aren’t your goddamn responsibility, especially when you can’t take care of yourself, let alone other people.”. Then the unnatural quiet sinks in, and he looks up to find Jiang Cheng with his face in his entire palm, Shijie staring at him with something like simultaneous delight and worry in her gaze, and Uncle Jiang’s chopsticks dangling halfway between his bowl and his mouth. Right? For all that Wei Wuxian collects photos the way he hoards literally everything else, he doesn’t actually have that many photos of himself. It’s kind of embarrassing how much I like you actually. “Bottoms up.”, “Why do we do this competition,” Wei Wuxian moans, taking it, because he’s deeply cursed and someone must’ve hated him in a previous life. The way Lan Wangji kisses—soft, sweet, slow like he could spend his entire life doing nothing but kissing him—is something else entirely. Not at all.”. A month since I’ve seen you and Xianxian is like a new person.”, “Xianxian is three,” Wei Wuxian protests, because the thought of change is horrible and Shijie is cruel to tease him so. The sheer bulk of the vacuum—a thirty year old monstrosity with nine more googly eyes than necessary—forces Wei Wuxian to keep it in the hallway for the most part. It got to the point where I was falling asleep on the phone around 12:00 a.m. and then waking up at 5:00 a.m. to call him before I went to school. But.” She gestures towards the letter with a trembling hand. “For the past four years,” Jiang Cheng continues, still using that horrible muted voice, “you’ve been paying rent for the Wens’. A second trickles by. “That monstrosity is a whole different story.”, “Oh,” Wen Ning whispers. They fall in love. Feng shui’s all wrong. chinese new year. Wei Wuxian is late applying, but student services is made up of older men and women that he’s managed to charm over eight semesters of asking about course availability and wiggling his way into those that should be empty and figuring out how many majors and minors he can feasibly declare with all of it. Creeps lie all the time. He looks so guilty, wringing his hands and the sleeves of his hoodie that for a moment Wei Wuxian almost feels bad, and then he remembers that Wen Ning brought Jose Cuervo and ditches any concept of responsibility and companionship. Then, after a second: Wei Wuxian waits, but no further reply comes even after five minutes of aimless scrolling on Twitter. The shirt I’m wearing right now has undertones of blue!”, “It’s still fucking black,” Wen Qing says, but there’s no heat to it, only defeat, because clearly she recognizes a lost argument when she sees one. He grabs onto his nearest friend, excitedly pointing out Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning, explaining exactly who they are quite loudly and to the amusement of the other parents and teachers. “Xue Yang broke Mr. Sucky,” comes A-Qing’s voice behind him, pulling him out of his thoughts. Wei Wuxian’s blood turns to ice in his veins. I mean, I don’t cook often, so it probably won’t happen, but I still want that. The year is coming to a close and Wei Wuxian is one of maybe five people permitted to stay over the break. “So? Being disappointed over a catfish who’s actually been a good texter would be... stupid. As soon as he walks into his dorm hall, he grabs the first student he sees and asks them to pass on a message. but hello? The gravel in his throat loosens, vanishes. How’s your new internship going, by the way? There’s just some general thoughts floating about, like I wonder what Lan Zhan looks like or where did he get all of those Gucci bags from, but it’s nothing like the panicky crisis that’s led him to aggressively keysmash into his shattered phone before. “What, like sex?” he asks, amused. “A-Xian,” she says again. “No slander,” he says. He knows that people care about him objectively, but—, “You paid for their lawyer and the court fees to get them emancipated from their piece of shit father,” Jiang Cheng goes on. Madam Yu… He’s not going to look at Madam Yu, that’s what he’s going to do. Please?”. Wei Wuxian’s eyes bulge. It is like battery acid is slithering down his throat and burning a new esophagus, but it’s Tito’s so it tastes like high-quality battery acid. You got us emancipated from our piece of shit father when no one cared and you helped us set up our own lives. Just an observation, really, that the only thing that could make this graduation of his any better would be if just one more person was in attendance. So he stands up, begins the recording, and starts pacing. Never think twice before doing something. “But.” Wei Wuxian inhales and lets it out in one shuddering breath. "I will be different." He sends a message—right as the text from Lan Zhan finally arrives. It is not entirely a joke. Wei Wuxian would know. The imminent explosion of the sun? Now he’s attached. It would be so nice to just shriek and bounce off all the walls for a few hours. Wait, no, give Xuanwu to the Wens, what was I thinking.”. Not in like a, “Oh, serial killers are so sexy” kind of way, just like  “I have such bad taste and I pine after anyone who treats me remotely well” sorta thing. Wei Wuxian is still staring. It’s a familiar expression, and Wei Wuxian has heard this exact phrase enough times in his life that he has to wonder if his room secretly houses a spirit that attaches itself to everyone who leaves his room. “Can I say no?”, Granny Wen looks at him flatly, but she’s too kind to really maintain it. That’s good. Still there is no response. “Don’t you ever say that again.”, Wei Wuxian smiles, helpless in his adoration. Wei Wuxian’s throat seizes up. Wei Wuxian spent twenty minutes alternating between screaming and loud breathing. “You know,” says Wei Wuxian idly, “Shijie once told me that you should start off the new year by doing whatever you want to do for the rest of the year, to set the tone for new beginnings. He tries to look appropriately contrite. With Shijie’s questionable shovel talk out of the way, the next Jiang member takes his place to continue the conversation. I will accept twenty-five percent of whatever is in that scary-looking envelope you have stashed in your desk.”, “I’m a snooper and a rat, it’s what I do, Wen Qing. Of the rabbits specifically. A gentle voice. Meanwhile, the dawn of the new semester does something weird to the freshmen. The whole poking at open wounds for shits and giggles definitely fits the bill. Admittedly the next part of his plan is the most frightening one. It’s not a great start to a love story when one person lies about everything. “NO,” Wei Wuxian howls, infuriated at himself and this stupid catfish. Fuck. He looks mildly stressed (for Nie Huaisang, which is to say he’s far surpassed Wei Wuxian’s acceptable levels of visible stress but hasn’t quite reached breaking point) but the moment he lifts his gaze and meets Wei Wuxian’s through the glass barrier, the strained brow disappears. What is it?”, “Like… Richard,” Lan Zhan repeats. That’s sweat, maybe. Lan Zhan.”, “Nothing, I just.” He flushes, painfully aware of how idiotic he sounds, and is probably going to sound for the remainder of this call. Wen Qing’s candidate involves a generous dose of mayonnaise, a pinch of wasabi, and Sambuca, and he doesn’t even want to know where she got the Sambuca from. Online relationships can be thrilling and rewarding, but you need to be careful. He looks very cute and peaceful. That getting Xuanwu prevented me from getting stabbed anymore?”, “Well, no,” says Wei Wuxian, at which point Lan Wangji nods like he’s proved his argument, “but that’s so—I don’t need Xuanwu to take care of myself or, or not get stabbed, you know!”. There’s something stuck in his throat and it isn’t the gravel he swallowed for wisdom as a child. “Ew, what the fuck—”, “Birthday wish,” Wei Wuxian declares, pointing at Jiang Cheng’s nose. Falling in Love with a Catfish Submitted by admin on Mon, 12/28/2020 - 03:52. And I can keep texting you and bothering you for pictures of rabbits like normal? Like actual Lan Wangji? (He does, and maybe the Wens aren’t even there but he can imagine they are, and it sucks.). “I would, however, appreciate borrowing your bed for naps. Do you mind if I ask you some questions? i probably missed a few things but you get the point and if this doesn’t convince you then you have no eyes and no jury on earth would side with you. Which is for the best, really, since Jiang Cheng finds him halfway out the Wens’ room. Or kinning because who is he to judge. Wen Qing was right. ", “Oh, fuck,” Nie Huaisang whispers. Real, supplies the part of his brain that has long since made the connection between text, voice and face. “What do I do. It only took him two years to do it,” and other unbelievably high standards that Wei Wuxian will never reach, etc, etc, Shijie coaxing Jiang Cheng to get rid of his scowl just by smiling at him, Madam Yu asking about his graduation date, followed by a reminder that they won’t attend, Wei Wuxian meeting Madam Yu’s glare for longer than two seconds, Shijie talking about her peacock husband; not because it’s a rare event, just because Wei Wuxian needs the alcohol, A collective yell of rage at the TV for whatever bullshittery happens in the newest C-drama, upgraded to four shots if the twist involves amnesia, car accidents, cancer, twins, adultery, time travel, evil emperors, or ghosts, upgraded to six shots if all of the above, Madam Yu engaging with Wei Wuxian willingly without a single negative word. Rabbit after his phone will not send any more photos of the black one.,. Of hot Cheetos and proceeds to spew popcorn all over Jiang Cheng anymore proceeds to spew all... 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